Easter Monday

As everyone knows, yesterday was Easter Sunday.

Here Easter was overshadowed a bit by Victoria's 40th birthday. Unlike the celebration Michael and I began planning last year, it was a very quiet affair. I suppose I needn't tell you that no one from the network was invited. The only persons in attendance were Victoria, Fiona, my mother and father and myself.

It was a day that presented emotions as everchanging as the weather with moments of shadow as well as light. There were a few tensions between my parents and Victoria but at the end of the day things went well. I understand that this is difficult for Mother and Father. I was pleased that they came at all, even if the primary reason was to see after my well-being. I believe my parents did feel a bit reassured when they left last evening, which is good.

Before the meal Victoria gave a very candid birthday address in which She admitted freely her faults and wrongdoing. She acknowledged my parents' concern as completely reasonable given the circumstances. There were tears of remorse as well as tears brought on by remembrance of the many good times we had shared. It was spoken with the utmost sincerity from her heart.

I cannot say I have ever seen her quite this humble. She is like a new creature. Again I am struck with confusion in my heart. It is a mixture of slight shock and uncertainty.

For those that do have concern for me, you may be pleased to know that it is this confusion that keeps my forward emotions at bay. Because of the doubts I have with regard to the change of dynamic in any possible future relationship she and I might have there is trepidation with moving forward. I suppose this tempers the flood of love I feel for her. I know that I love her, but at the end of the day will I be capable of accepting a relationship that will be nothing like we have had before? More to the point, would it work? Would it last?

I realise I am getting ahead of myself. Being here does keep the issue on the front burner. I am careful not to linger at the house. For the most part I am not so inclined. I find that I still require solitude. The depression is lightened and I am kept busy with my duties once more, but being faced with the differences each and every day is a bit of an icey shower. Each evening I am in retreat just after tea and sometimes before. I will take my evening meal here in the flat during the week. This is my decision, moreover this is my choice.

Unlike before, apart from the requirements of my occupation, I am under my own authority, not hers. If there is to be a regiment I shall have to set it up myself. Whereas once I was assigned many tasks to keep me busy throughout the day and given assigned studies to turn my attentions to at night, I am now unshackled. I do only those things that meet the criteria of an HM's post during working hours. It is no longer my place to do such things as the gardening, mucking the stables, or drawing her bath.

I have the day off today. Technically I was not 'working' yesterday, but as I was in the house I could not stop myself from a bit of polish and organisation.

It has snowed overnight but as the sun is out it is melting quite quickly. By midday there may be little evidence of the evening's percipitation. I should find something to do.

Chauncey