Full Circle

It seems that nothing in my recent life is straight forward. When Michael returned I had great expectations for a very happy reunion. It seems that was not to be, at least not in the manner which I expected. He has changed.

I do not wish to be misunderstood in this. He is finding the way back to his former life and I accept that. It becomes difficult in that he has "returned to his roots" and taken back a religion that demands he give up all of his connection to persons who are not of his faith. He assures me this is not permanent. It is only that he is beginning again in his spiritual journey and thus not strong in it. Myself or anyone else that is living in disbelief and sin could cause him to fall back from his newfound rededication.

I suppose because I have been so close to the precipice lately it was one disappointment too many. I was distraught and restless. I felt hopeless and every sorrowful event that has happened to me in the past several years came pouring into my memory like a flood.

This seems to happen when we are emotional. One episode of tears for one cause seems to pull in a myriad of others from even the distant past. Has anyone else cried over a recent loss only to remember another, and another? Soon you are sat there, your face tear-streaked, crying over the death of a relative gone five years, or the first person who broke your heart.

Speaking to anyone did not help, even the most well-meaning could not break through to stand with me in my misery. In a year I have lost everything but my parents. Thank the powers that be that has not happened. Through illness I have lost my former proficiency and level of performance on my beloved woodwinds, reducing me from primary oboist in a local orchestra to music teacher only. Victoria and I lost our precious baby, Celestia, to stillbirth. Then by my own decision the relationship to Victoria was terminated due to a major occurance, and now Michael has separated himself and it feels as though we are strangers.

A few are arguing that I am ill prepared for all of this as I have been a consensual slave on an everyday basis since the age of 19. I will admit that is a possibility. I have led a very regimented lifestyle all my life, but even moreso when I was here before.

Yes... here.

I returned to the estate yesterday afternoon.

My parents are very concerned but I have explained to them it will not be the same. I am not here in my former capacity any longer. Neither Victoria nor myself are going to relate to each other as we once did. I am here to do my former, and now present job. I am living in the flat (formerly the boys' flat), just as the housekeeper, Fiona, lives in her cottage here on the property. I shall work for my wage and keep up a proper friendship (for the time) with Victoria.

I will say that she was not expecting me. I left my parents' home of my own accord to speak to Victoria. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I planned to stay if she would allow me there. Promising to speak to them daily I assured them I would certainly continue my therapy.

Yes, they were very reluctant to allow me leave. I hugged them both tightly. Mother and I were tearful, but remarkably, so was father. He is not one to show those sort of emotions. He told me that what I proposed to do was madness but by the same token he acknowledged that I am a grown man who must make his own decisions. Michael was not there at the time I left. I feel that was for the best as I'm sure he would have done anything to prevent me going.

So, I write now from the my own little corner, what was formerly "the boys' flat". If I can find a DIY store open today I will purchase some paint and perhaps hang a few photos of my family. The piano is still here and that cheers me. I shall work on my recovery. I shall work at my job diligently as any employee should. As I was telling a friend, this estate is home to me. It is the house I have cared for so well. I know it's every crack and crevice. I have a sense of purpose here.

Mentally and emotionally I feel more settled, if only by virtue of being here alone. Perhaps to some I have regressed, but in my heart I feel as though I am coming full circle. I have returned home.

For the time being I shall be placing the date and time beneath my name. I have yet to sort how one changes the time and date settings on this blog site. I suppose until such time I will appear to be somewhere in America. The correct time and date is shown beneath my signature line.

Chauncey
March 22, 2008 7:10am

PS: I have sorted the date and time. For some quite odd reason my settings were for the Pacific time zone in the US. Perhaps I was on holiday in California unaware? :)