For approximately one year I have been working on a manuscript, the subject of which has been the story of how I became involved in the BDSM lifestyle and ultimately came to serve Mistress Victoria. In all the recent upheaval I inadvertantly left it behind when I returned home.
Yesterday I received a rather bulky parcel in the post from Victoria, and as you may have surmised, it was the manuscript with a note attached.
"Ryan, although I am in no position to command you, I do wish you would continue your fine work with this. I have read it all, through tears and laughter, and am thoroughly
convinced your story should not go untold. I implore you to finish it and submit it for publication. Victoria"
To punctuate Her request, this morning She has sent a courier round with all of my journals. All 16 volumes. I relied heavily upon my journals, which by agreement were Her property during my consensual captivity, to recount the past with clarity. Their full ownership has apparently now been given back over to myself.
I do appreciate Her prodding, but at present I am not entirely certain I could bear to write about the past. I had reached the point at which Michael (my submissive brother) entered into the household and it is this portion of the telling that will be the most difficult emotionally.
I still dearly miss Michael's presence. Each time my thoughts return to him I recall how we clashed so strongly at the beginning of his training. It was quite pronounced. My annoyance with him rose to the point that even in a public setting I was occasionally ill-mannered and verbally terse with him. Over time we overcame our differences and grew to care very much for one another...
I do still have contact with him by phone and email, but as you might imagine, this can not compare to physical presence, sight and touch, the reading of body language, the ease of embracing or working alongside one another. We shared a life; working, eating, sleeping, running, and playing together. We became brothers in earnest, as well as lovers. Phone and email communication are not adequate substitutes. Though we will see one another again, it will never be the same as it once was.
As well as the memories of Michael, there are the memories of Victoria's decline in what is yet to be written. All of this is still quite fresh. Some might say that is the best time to write, when the heart still feels it and the mind still grasps the details.
My frail humanity is all that stops me.
Whoever said that women are the only ones to feel deeply, to be reduced to tears and brokeness in the silences? How foolish are those males that do not allow that they also have a right to bleed... to truly feel the pain of loss when a vital part of their life is removed.
I detest machismo, that unwritten dictation to the male of the species that says he may not openly express emotion (unless it is anger, which for some reason seems to be acceptable). I, for one, shall not abide it. I have shed tears in open places just as freely as I have laughed in the same. What do I care if others gawk? If it heals my spirit to allow expression then I shall do so, with dignity of course.
But again, I have strayed from my point.
The writings...
I cannot even be sure that what I have put to paper is worthy of publication. Would anyone truly wish to read something of this nature? What would be the purpose? Would it help anyone at all? These things I do not know.
It is time for a walk. I shall go out into this day... and if I wish to laugh, to cry... to run through the fields...
I shall do so.
Chauncey
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7 comments:
Having read your other blog for a while and now following this one too I'm wondering how different the process of blogging is to the process of writing a journal. Also how different in the content between the two?
For some people I imagine it's a very different process and content but you seem to be very open here. I certainly am very conscious of particular people reading my blog when I write the posts. The more observant will notice that there isn't anything too contraversial there as people I work with and friends and family read it.
I understand your concern, Ben, with regard to writing openly within a blog. I suppose this is a bit easier for me, as my family and outside friends have no knowledge of my blogs.
In a handwritten physical journal one might be more descriptive and open about private matters. I do indeed attempt to keep my entries suitable for comsumption by the general adult population.
But you are correct in noticing that I am quite open about my feelings and my situation on both this, and my former blog.
It is a form of therapy for me. :)
You have a way with words that makes me love reading your posts! (I miss reading Mikeys crazy shit too, tell him for me :-) )
I think BDSM in itself is an interesting subject. I think your lifestyle had a different element to it though, the fact is was practicly 100% submission makes it an interesting tale indeed.
I remember reading your post on 9 degress of submission and the when MsV chose you after your little tasks ;-) And that kinda stuff was just so interesting to me, and i dont think id be alone.
You have a talent for writing and i think documenting recent events while still in the midst of the emotions surrounding it, would seem like a natural progression to me. Even if its only ever meant for your eyes only.
I'm glad MsV saw fit to return your journals, its seems the right thing :-)
Enamel xx
Thank you, Leila. I suppose we all need encouragement and I am grateful to you for sharing your insight and impressions.
I reread one of the more recent journals last evening before bed and dreamt about what I'd read. It is not easy.
Michael returns to the UK tomorrow and will remain for the duration until the baby comes in June. He will be staying here with myself and my parents . I do so look forward to seeing him.
Ryan x
Go for it... Start to write.. and laugh and cry at the memories. It will help. xx
Adie, you are a dear friend. Thank you for the encouragement!
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