As seems to be the case across the country, the winds are high as a result of the storm. With the sunrise the skies began to clear and I took particular notice of the heralding signs of spring. Every year we take heart when the daffs and crocuses appear. The buds of leaves on the trees, and the new branches sprouting on rose bushes, the starlings nesting in the eaves of our house... all offer the promise of warmer weather and brighter colour in the seasons to come.
The earth is renewing itself. I am attempting to renew myself.
The breath of fresh (and a bit furious) air does help.
I have felt a bit better since Saturday when Victoria and I had dinner together. It was not exactly a date by the usual standard, it was more a discussion of the past and the possible future that took place over a meal.
A brokenhearted person is likely more apt to take any positive words from their beloved as a good sign of hope for the future. I tried, mostly in vain, not to indulge too high a hope.
It was a cordial meeting. There were no harsh words. We were humble with one another.
There was no sense of irritation at all but it was awkward, particularly at the onset.
Our relationship to one another has always followed the format of Mistress and boy. She has been the ultimate authority, the person the final decisions rested with, the one who directed the course of our lives. She trained me to belong to Her. Rare were the departures from this framework. Thus to sit across from Her at table and not receive directives gave me a slight sense of discomposure.
She would not allow me to call Her 'Ms', but asked kindly if I would not mind referring to Her as Victoria. I assured Her I would put forth the effort, but asked that She forgive any lapses into old habits. She simply smiled and said She understood. She made it quite clear to me that She no longer wishes to carry on in the BDSM lifestyle, and that if we are to have a relationship in future it shall be strictly vanilla.
I cannot exactly describe what it is I feel about the new Victoria. It is very different to see Her become meek and even somewhat timid. Part of me fears that a strong part of my attraction to Her had to do with the power She wielded. This brings about a question I am not sure I am prepared to ask myself.
Will I love Her new persona as much sans the dominance and authority She had over me?
I pray the answer will be yes. If the passion fades, what does this say about me? Did I love only the discipline, the chastisement and the objectification? How shameful it would be to think I have been only selfish, loving what She afforded me in stimulation rather than loving Her for the person She is.
My mother would counsel me not to ponder it too deeply at this point... to take each day as it comes... to believe that if the relationship is meant to be we shall find a way. She would say I am getting too far ahead of myself. Perhaps so. But the mind takes a thought or premise and runs with it down a myriad of twisting trails.
In the final assessment I realise that both Victoria and I must be true to ourselves...
...
These are the sort of thoughts that lead me to pursue the outdoors... to take the walk that freshens and cleanses and distracts. Perhaps I shall venture out again.
Chauncey
5 comments:
Hi Ryan,
I have now bookmarked your page at home. May I ask what is happening with the child now Michael has gone home?
When you love someone, you love the person as a whole being. Taking part of that away, and such a large part, must be very hard to get your head around.
Keep us updated. :)
This may sound a bit odd to You but Victoria has decided to allow Michael to have primary custody of their son. Currently their solicitors are sorting out the legal documentation. Michael is still considering coming to live in the UK so that their son may be in close proximity to both parents. At this time Victoria is well aware of Her emotional issues, as well as the toll losing Celestia took on Her. She feels that little Michael would be best served in the care of his father.
Thank you, Adie, for being so understanding and sympathetic. All of this is difficult. I know it is just as stressful for Victoria.
I suppose all that we can do is allow time to heal and adjust gradually to what now is our reality.
Ryan xx
I've learnt how to add your blog to a feed thingy, anyway, i'm going to keep up to date :)
Will the relationship go strictly vanilla? Dabbling a little surely couldnt hurt? Do you think MsV is capable of such a relationship? And of course are you capable? Emotionally and physically.
I suppose we all get to point in our lives where we need to ask outselves what is really important. Something to think about perhaps?
And your mum sounds like a wise lady, take note.
xx
It is difficult to say how the relationship will develop at this juncture, Leila.
I would certainly be lying if I said I would be content for it to end. As stated in this entry, I am a little confused with the new dynamic, but I still feel She is my soulmate.
I suppose anything is possible, with regard to our relationship. It will be a matter of adjustment. I feel that at present both Victoria and I are concentrating on getting ourselves sorted as individuals.
And yes, I do take notice of what my mother says. She is a wise woman and certainly has my best interest at heart.
Ryan xx
It's nice to see you could go along and be nice with each other Ryan but personally, having read your blog for a while, I have to wonder how you'd cope with such a big change as it's been a big part of your life. I know you're capable of the change but would you be happy with it?
As your mother says, take each day as it comes.
As ever Ryan, my thoughts are with you x
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